David M. Russell

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Swine flu scandal

In Humour on June 28, 2009 at 1:47 am

It has been revealed that the hysteria currently sweeping the globe due to the outbreak of swine flu in Mexico was actually triggered by a PR campaign instigated by beef producers. Angered by the Mad Cow Disease scandal several years ago which decimated sales of beef products in many countries, producers engaged global PR consortium Flack&Spin to rebuild their image.

A traditional media campaign was developed and implemented across two continents but met strong resistance from vegetarian protest groups in non-aligned nations. Taste tests were sabotaged with samplers reporting many eaters found the beef to be chewy or stringy and not to their liking. Against the ticking clock of diminished revenues, beef producers decided on direct action. Realising that offence is often the best form of defence, they decided to take-out a major competitor: pork. Not wanting to damage a key outlet for their product – beef tacos – the cattlemen directed their focus on a skirmish campaign in Mexico. To bolster their available resources, the beef producers enlisted the help of the World Health Organisation (WHO).

After several strategy sessions, it was realised that WHO was sitting on a massive stockpile of surgical face masks. In a quirky twist of fate billions of these gauze protectors had been stockpiled just as the earlier Mad Cow Disease outbreak abated. Clogging massive storage facilities in strategic locations adjacent to major population centres the masks were draining WHO funds because of the high cost of storage. Details of what happened next are hazy but the cattlemen now testify that Flack&Spin went their own way, determined to show they could mount a global campaign that would capture the world’s attention. Investigators suggest a young schoolboy from a slum area on the outskirts of Mexico City who had a head cold was sent to school with instructions to tell his teachers he felt really sick.

WHO north American spokesperson, Dr Usapart Tildeath, denied poor initial diagnosis at the local hospital led to the hysteria currently sweeping the world. “Claims that nursing staff were somehow deficient by not washing their hands properly are scandalous. We know there is a drought in the area but suggesting staff were trying to conserve precious supplies by not washing is very inappropriate.” Dr Tildeath also refuted claims made initially in Mexican media outlets that Flack&Spin had approached WHO with an offer to provide a community education campaign. However, there were reports overnight European time that a graphic design agency in southern Texas had prepared a series of mock posters about swine flu for use in a student marketing assignment at a Houston university. Somehow, the materials found their way to a free weekly newspaper which decided to run them as a community service.

Local radio stations believed the mock ads were real and began broadcasting details as a precaution to listeners. Television stations then ran pointers to their evening news bulletins mentioning the flu story. It would appear network anchors in their rush to be first with the news began to report unconfirmed details from other stations which fuelled a cycle of intense speculation but no corroboration. It was not long before the story had gone national and then international. As government agencies desperately try to learn just how the scandal began to unfold, attention focused on the PR firm, Flack&Spin and a connection to the Texas design agency.

Flack&Spin northern hemisphere spokesman, Michael Smoothas, denied the designers were regularly subcontracted by his own organisation. “Any suggestion we would be involved in a deliberate fear campaign is outrageous,” he said. “Do people think PR is still in the dark ages?” Meantime, US President Barack Obama has ordered the FBI to begin a detailed investigation into the swirling claims and counter-claims about Flack&Spin and their connection to beef producers. “If there turns out to be any truth in this I will be as mad as a cow,” he told reporters at The White House yesterday.

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Wee Willie’s willy

In Humour on June 27, 2009 at 11:28 pm

Can you believe it? The sport of rugby league has been dragged into controversy yet again! But there is a difference this time: instead of a heterosexual scandal, this time we have a homosexual scandal. Well, perhaps it’s not a homo scandal as such but it does involve onanism and it was all-male action. Wait, don’t lose your breakfast just yet, there is a simple explanation. There’s always a simple explanation for every tawdry headline that buffets this game. The people who play it are dickheads. Is that too harsh? Perhaps you’re right. Not all rugby league players are dickheads – just a lot of them.

And that is beginning to really upset a lot of people because we actually like the game. We can’t wait for Friday Night Football and we love our Sunday arvo footy.  Cricket in summer is an acceptable alternative but it just takes so long!  Anyway . . . the latest headlines expose Sydney Roosters’ bullocking boofhead, Willie Mason – Man Mountain and Empty Vessel in equal measure. Seems that after Saturday’s game he went for a quick chat at a salubrious hotel near where lots of Sydney toffs live. While he was there, all that Gatorade he drank to replenish lost fluids while he was playing finally made their way into his little collector bag. So, what does he do? He goes outside and pisses it up against a wall. Just like that. Except there’s a photographer standing there with a full flashlight and captures the whole thing. Well, certain minor parts were hidden from view by Willie’s lovely suit jacket. But there’s no mistaking that sweet look of relief on Willie’s face as his specimen drained away.

What? You think there could be another meaning for that look of relief. You don’t think . . . No! That’s disgusting. Willie’s often called a wanker but surely he wouldn’t . . . Nah. Well, I wouldn’t have thought so but then again . . . I have always thought that crowd yell: ‘Willie, you wally’ had a certain poignancy to it.  Well, well, well, who would have thought? But, no, we can’t prove that so we’d better stick to the facts as they have been reported. Which is that Willie was doing a wee. Now, this is where I get confused. I mean, he’s at a really nice, upmarket pub, okay?  Sort of place where the toilets probably don’t even have that earthy, raw pungency you get at a footy ground at half-time. These toilets probably even had hand towels. So, why the need to pop outside and wave your little fella around for all the world to photograph?

Did Willie think he was in the modelling game? Did he think it was his duty to help keep paparazzi away from higher-profile celebrities? Did he think . . . No, wait, I’m being silly here. This is Willie Mason, right? For heaven’s sake, we all know he hasn’t had a sensible thought since he reckoned the Blues were going to win State of Origin some three years ago. Oh, that was just bravado and not a considered assessment of the facts. Yeah, right! So, why would Willie, all dressed up in his flash suit and tie, feel the need to relieve himself but instead of just going to the loo like any normal person would, he wanders outside into the cool evening air and takes aim at a pub wall? WHY? No doubt the Roosters’ CEO is asking himself the very same question as he lies prostrate on his office floor smashing his head repeatedly into the tatty carpet just in front of his desk where he lines up his superstars every few days or so and reads them The Riot Act about the need to behave sensibly (we won’t even bring the concept of decently into this debate) when in public.

Now, there is ONE thought that occurs to me. Is Big Willie afraid to stand at a urinal in case inquisitive fans or even just a bored fellow whizzer take a peek and see what he’s got ‘down there’? And if he’s afraid to be seen, as it were, what is he afraid of? There’s one thing I’ve learned about men in my life and it is this: size matters. Yes, having been told this by many women in my life over several decades, I now accept what they say. Not much I can do about it but I accept what they say. nAnd I know this, too: no man I’ve ever encountered has been concerned about his equipment on the basis that it was too big. In fact, I doubt that any man EVER has considered he had too much of a good thing in that department. Which raises the speculation that Big Willie may just be Wee Willie. But, whatever else can be said about this incident, one thing is definitely for sure. Even if his willy is not wee, his bloody poor excuse for a brain is surely the size of a pea. Dickhead!